Navigating the Dark Waters
Lately, I feel like my mental health has completely slipped away from me. My doctor has strongly advised me to stop working, and even suggested hospitalization. To be honest, the thought of being hospitalized terrifies me because I’m so afraid of losing the time to create. Yet, even staying at home, I find myself unable to produce anything, merely existing from one day to the next.
Last night was particularly dark. I ended up hurting myself and taking far too much medication, just to find a way to fall into a heavy, mud-like sleep. I know I need to go to the hospital today and tell my doctor everything exactly as it happened. I think it’s time for me to leave my job.
Despite all of this, or perhaps because of it, I feel a powerful urge to express this inner darkness through creation. I keep coming back to Debussy’s Rêverie—I love it so much. I’ve always felt I lack musical talent and wished I had been born a musician. But maybe it’s not too late. I recently bought a piano with MIDI functionality, so perhaps I will try practicing a little, or start sequencing tracks using Domino.
When it comes to my spatial creations, I often lack absolute certainty about why a space needs to be the way it is. Moving forward, my plan is to build simple, rough prototypes first and learn from the feedback. But as I’ve always believed, the core of human emergence is feedforward. Like a ship steering directly into the rough waves ahead, what I need right now is to discover a new land.
Yet, there is a fierce, overwhelming sense of urgency consuming me. I feel like time is running out, and a quiet panic tells me that my remaining window is narrowing rapidly. It is terrifying.
Still, I know that to sail into those rough waves, I have to fix the ship first. Today, I will look for a safe harbor, speak the truth to my doctor, and try to find a way to keep my creative spark alive.